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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Football and Hair: Dida's Abuse of the Razor

Football is a sport of creativity. And today, footballers have become just about as creative with their hair as they are with their feet.

As a footballer, one lives a privileged lifestyle: Celebrity status, reduced taxes if you live in a foreign country, no need to become friendly with women—the game has already been spit, etc. Most notably, though, only does a footballer get the “okay” on extreme hairstyles.

You see, if the average citizen ever sported an extravagant coiffure, like that of a footballer, his audacity would be a mockery. A schoolboy with a Christiano Ronaldo fro-hawk loses all credibility—he’s just the kid who’s mom wouldn’t let him get a real mohawk. Florent Malouda’s protruding corn row stem will only ever be found elsewhere on the head of a Tellitubbi. And Fernando Torres-esque sleek blonde locks make anyone but Fernando Torres look a pretty boy bitch. But in football—and only in football—is Cisse’s weekly hair color changing socially acceptable.

So props to you, footballers. You’ve worked hard, you’ve earned the right to experiment with your headgear. Some of you, however, are abusing your privileges.

Oi, Mr. Dida.

Dida, a goalkeeper for AC Milan, has exercised his right to shave a nice 3-inch line across the top of his buzzed dome. Why he thinks it looks good is beyond me. Dida looks like he just got out of surgery. His attempt at a fresh cut instead looks like an ugly scar left from splitting his head open upon a collision with his goalpost.

Now, a few years ago, the shaved line-in-hair evolved as a trend amongst footballers. Its locale, however, was initially on the side of the head. Now, though, it seems to be creeping farther up towards the summit of footballer’s noggins. Karim Benzema, a traditional fashioner of “the line,” now carves his design on the top of his dome as well. For heaven’s sake, pretty soon we might be seeing a popularity growth in the inverted mohawk.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m all about individuality. And if that’s established by uniqueness of the hair, then go for it. In fact, if I ever found myself watching a footballer dice up defenses with an inverted mohawk, I would not hesitate to purchase his jersey.

But honestly, footballers, stay classy. Go big or go home. When I’m having trouble deciphering whether you’ve scarred yourself or put a razor to your head (when you’ve actually put a razor to your head), then maybe it's time for a shape-up.